While Iowa (of all places) has just legalized gay marriage and Vermont the same, in a world that seems like it’s just on the verge of at least pushing for tolerance, equality, and all that rot (not to dismiss it, just because I’m too lazy to type more… well damn, it looks like I might as well have typed more, because apparently I’m not to lazy to type this… or this… or… this), it’s appalling to see that “a storm is brewing”.

Yes, the fine folks who succumb to the dualism that Fundamentalism got from the Greeks (not from The Bible or for those of you who speak Spanish, El Bible Con Queso) are apparently using that same kind of airtight thinking to claim that legalizing gay marriage will change their lives.  Somehow.

These folks, the National Organization for Marriage or NOM or, better yet, NOM NOM NOM (onomatopoeia for eating) are stepping out of the shadows and really coming forth with the “marriage preservation” that the liberal media and feminazis are suppressing (and God Bless Em, by jingo).

The theory is a bit confusing… do they assume that somehow the sanctity of marriage will be ruined because it disagrees with what their god says?  Or rather, what their leaders say god says?  I’d say that the Westborough Baptist Church is involved, but there is not enough nonsensical vitriol in their statements to equate the two (for example, not once does the video call Obama a “fag” or claim that soldiers are “fags” or say that “ezweave is a fag, both a cigarette and a dude who loves dudes†, also he once wore full T-Mobile team kit and he isn’t even a racer plus he is going to hell”).

I thought "Jesus Loves Me" was the sort of thing kids learned in Sunday School? My how times have changed.

If you combine it with the fine folks who called cyclists “flamers” and thought that cyclists were “gay” and should be killed, but who were
“bikers” and thus more likely to walk around in outfits that say “leather daddy” (and no, I am clearly not the first person to notice this… come on!) you begin to see a pattern emerging: a conspiracy against cyclists.

I fear the day, when (in some “Brave New World” way) not only will gay marriage be banned, but also cyclist marriage… because, you see, cyclists are practically gay.  Whether it’s “tight pants for tight tricks” or shaving your legs to make road rash easier to clean (other than that it is just es-tee-eye-elle-e) you are clearly nearly gay.  Perhaps you don’t know it, but notice how whilst wearing these outfits, if you are male, you ride in a group of other males similarly clad and if you are female, you are surrounded by guys so you are clearly becoming a butch, sleeveless flannel wearing lesbian.  (We all know that they put the “gay disease” in chain lube… I think that’s what Jery Fallwell said on his death bed, at least.)

Not homo-erotic at all.

It’s just science and it’s in El Bible Con Queso (notice how airtight my argument is, maybe I should have written that cute little video… hell, I should send this post to NOM NOM NOM).

This will, of course, lead to the increased taxation of both bib shorts and tight jeans.  You see, they will then use this money to fund “cycling awareness” programs in schools (i.e. “Cycling ate my baby” and “Cycling: the Next Silent Killer”), much like they increased the tax on cigarettes to fund anti-smoking programs (of course, if we’re smart we can pull a Phillip Morris and our “anti-cycling” campaign will just make cycling more popular).

I envision a world where even the innocent recumbent riders will be banned from bike lanes (as a complete aside, perhaps American Apparel should create ads to sell their shorts to the recumbent comminuty, as those folks are always looking for a better way to get that even “ball sack” tan).

Perhaps we aren’t too far from that stage… I was informed by the honorable Tyler B that just last week a police officer instructed a clearly drunk driver to “take out” a few of these cyclists.  When he asked the officer in question for his card and badge number he was asked if he “wanted a ticket” (I’d like to think he did this in a deep baritone and was wearing short shorts, so that by ticket he meant “erect penis inserted into various cavities”, but that’s the way cyclists think… again, check El Bible Con Queso).

Clearly, the author is hiding something... I mean a rainbow unicorn t-shirt and tight pants? That is so something a cyclist would wear.

There it is… like some perfect storm of anti-cycling: increased anger at gay marriage, calling cyclists gay, increase homo-erotic police encounters against cyclists… it’s all coming together to lead to one thing: the fullfilment of Zack Colman’s dream to get cyclists off the road.  Clearly, we are working with someone whose diabolical schemes rival those of Joseph Stalin or Cobra Commander or Gargamel.

To be fair, perhaps Mr Colman is just being remembered incorrectly… perhaps his story should be different and I’m creating the cycling equivelent of Bernie Epton (who infamously tried to take advantage of racial strife to beat Harold Washington, the first black mayor of Chicago, in an election).  Maybe he was just trying to be funny… like Jeff Foxworthy or Carlos Mencia or AIDS.

At any rate, the storm is brewing.  When they come for you, will you wear your tight pants, or will you hide in the closet (filled, no doubt with Castelli and Giordana bib shorts)?

As I rode through the slippery streets of Denver in the misty mid-day of Easter Sunday, I was greeted cheerfully by many of the faithful… car horn bleets and wild eyed screams.  I fear the day when a cyclist lynch mob will form and they will drive their behemoth SUVs and paint faded, bitchin’ Camaros (that’s how I’m going down to the shore to see Crystal Shit) through the downtown grid… on the prowl for tight pants and/or “crabon fibre” road frames.

†Ok, I don’t love dudes erotically, purely brotherly… but there are those times when you just want to lay down and feel some dudes strong arms, just holding you, rocking you while he whispers in your ears and you just feel all warm and comfortable and safe in the crook of his bulging biceps… uh, wait… no I didn’t mean that.  Really.

April 13th, 2009 | Category: Bikes Bikes Bikes, Rants | Subscribe to comments | Both comments and pings are currently closed